20 May 2015

Dear Summer || Winter Getaway || Change

Rupsha B, Rupsha B Roy, Lovesicklilac
Rupsha B, Rupsha B Roy, Lovesicklilac

Pictures by J Roy and Rupsha B Roy
Words by Rupsha B Roy
Edited by Namzzz

"And suddenly you just know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

I woke up saying to myself, "Another day to somehow survive" but then the realization came pouring in. I'm not unhappy anymore, the things once perturbed me weren't there anymore and waking up to a new day wasn't too bad. I was happier and content. I still have work to do and places to go and I'll be walking for a while but the constant dark cloud above my head was left, far behind. That I don't mind walking or the journey or the destination. This time, I'll sit down on the bench, watch the rain fall over mountain but I won't feel timid, crushed beneath it all. So I sat down with the piles of photographs taken back in December and watched how winter changed into summer all along while changing me and my world.

I have been so many different versions of someone, even I didn't...couldn't discern. At times, the dreamer in me deluded myself into believing that I could fly only to let me fall face down on the floor, some days the dreamer would be dead and gone. All I knew throughout was that 'change' is indeed inevitable, Summer knows my desire for change, not merely because I enjoy it. Not at all but because changes makes me feel and I'm constantly terror-stricken that I'm not feeling alive enough.

The power we give to that change into shaping us the person we're going to be or the down the path it takes us is entirely upon us. And despite all the times I've said to my friends that my happiness and the way my life works out is never in my hands, while partially in the vastness of universe that might be true, somehow I got the concept entirely wrong. Maybe it was because of the over-romanticism of mental illnesses on Tumblr or the idea that heartbreaks helped me create art. I was wrong.  You're gonna have to hold your own hand and chase your dreams and be the person you want to be and to love yourself.....in the right way.

Every once in a while, someone else will come around and make you believe that you're stronger than you think you are, they'll fortify you in loving yourself and you'll find the strength to not push them away and to let them be there for you. Sometimes you'll be thankful for the 'change' and believe in the magic of beginnings and you will know that you'll survive it all without sabotaging yourself in the process and people who love you, will be there with you all along the way. You'll realize that you may not be where you intended to be but you're where you need to be.
This is my life and I just wanted you to know that I'm a happy lil' peach....hope you are too.

27 April 2015

Dear Summer || Kairos+ Fake Florals || Styling Turtlenecks

Rupsha B, Lovesicklilac, fashion bloggers, indian fashion bloggers
Pictures by Mumma B
Edit and words by me.

Long overdue the second part(1st part here) of my affair with turtlenecks and pseudo florals.  I would like to think I've made up parts of myself by continuously watching Diane Keaton on screen, getting drunk on her interviews with Ellen and other parts from the books I've read, the poems I've lived and the smell of paint, the sound of brush strokes in my art class. I keep going back to those evenings of studios, colours and canvases taking up 10 years of my life. Some days it feels like an obscure anamnesis, like picture frames from another life, I keep running around longing for the smell of those summer, for familiar voices, for the familiar souls....for a familiar world. 

I looked out of the huge glass pane, the skyline swallowing the sunset. He was talking about Carl Sagan and Cosmos. "You cannot be found if you don't want to be found. Reach out, you deserve so much more from yourself. I'll email you the videos. You need to see the vastness of universe and how beautiful it can be. They said there's a storm coming". Looking back at him I discerned the need to visit him, his words and aspects offered me hope, made me want to find joy in the little things in life. These therapy sessions were truly appreciated, subconsciously. It was only fair to live in the moment and to take up as much love, joy and experience I could out of life. That night as I lay on the bed I held on to my heart, my mind and whispered to myself, 'I love being me, I am going to take care of my heart and my mind. I'm going to give myself all the love and joy that I can', Lying unconscious on the bed for hours and days only made me stand away from it all and take a long hard stare at what I was doing to myself. No more. In my mind, I was already a step closer to replacing the fake flowers with real ones.

07 April 2015

Dear Summer || An introduction to thoughts

Rupsha B

Pictures and editing by Rupsha B
Words by Rupsha B
Edited by Namz

I have written letters to myself from the past or the future, to seasons, to a certain someone and never posted them. These letters were never intended for anyone to read. I decided to start something similar on the blog but in a much more vague way, partly inspired by Emily Diana Ruth's "Letters to July" series. Snippets and fragments of muddled up thoughts. Not particularly interesting and not with a definite climax like few of my other posts. However, the letters aforementioned are written in a much detailed, personal way. 
I have always been prudent about letting these thoughts leave the cage of my own head. Guarding things that make more sense to you than to the world. Something you're possessive about;  I'm possessive of my own thoughts. Over two years I tried to make sure not to let these snippets and episodes spill so much on to my blog posts like I did in the those letters. I don't write diaries. I'm never consistent enough to write about my daily life or pin point exactly how I am feeling. My feelings have never been that black and white, something that has always been hard to comprehend. I have spent so much time lately trying to live in the future, in the day dreams and aspects of what could happen when I know I should be living now. I should feel all the pain and happiness of now. To understand the present and to create something from that. But the promise of something better or something worse gets me more excited. Last year around this time I just finished working on the first editorial layout for 'Stylish Sophisticate', I was going through first few months of internship, staying up all night star gazing and talking about song writing and creating friendships with people who are now a part of my life. Around 2:00AM today I was texting Namzzz about being homesick for something, not a place or a person but something abstract. I realize that I was homesick for the future, for the idea of something great or something awful waiting just around the corner. I try to understand each emotion more deeply than necessary, not prominent emotions like happiness or sadness. I hope that's what life is like too, life isn't sad or happy in particular, it's a series of events and more complex feelings. Not entirely black and white but different hues and shades in between. For someone who takes pleasure and understands the fleeting of life and relationships, for someone who doesn't understand the idea of permanence when life itself is transient, I somehow yearn for life, for living, for feeling and for chasing after fantasies.